OFFICE HUMOUR

Real Airline Attendants Quotes
Occasionally, airline attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other
anouncements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or
reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying
Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

As the plane landed and was coming
to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing
during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two or more small
children, decide now which one you
love more.

Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds,
we'll but try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot
said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the
seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back
there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to
gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in
the industry... Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines
flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment
on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart
comment. Finally evryone had gotten
off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival
announcement:
"We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge
to go zipping through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."

OFFICE HUMOUR

These are responses you may use when caught slepping on the job:

"They told me at the blood bank this might happen."

"This is just a 15 minute power-nap as described that time management course you sent me."
"Whew! Guess I left the top off the White-Out Yo probably got here just in time!"
"I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the missi statement and envisioning a new paradigm."

"I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

"I was doing Yoga exercises to relieve work-relat stress."

"Damn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out a solution to our biggest problem."

"The coffee machine is broken..."

"Someone must've put decaf in the wrong "

... in Jesus' name. Amen."

OFFICE HUMOUR : CORPORATE TERMINOLOGY

COMPETITIVE SALARY: We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY: We have no time to train you.

CASUAL WORK ATMOSPHERE: We don't pay you enough to expect that you'll dress nicely.

MUST BE DEADLINE ORIENTED: You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.

MUST BE FLEXIBLE: On many occasions, you'll be asked to bend over and grab your ankles.

SOME OVERTIME REQUIRED: Some time each night and some time each weekend.

DUTIES WILL VARY: Anyone in the office can boss you around.

MUST HAVE AN EYE FOR DETAIL: We have no quality control.

APPLY IN PERSON: If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.

NO PHONE CALLS PLEASE: We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.

SEEKING CANDIDATES WITH A WIDE VARIETY OF EXPERIENCE: You'll need it to replace the three people who just left.

PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS A MUST : You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

REQUIRES TEAM LEADERSHIP SKILLS - You'll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS : Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.

OFFICE HUMOUR : SOMEBODY WITH IMAGINATION WANTED

Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel manager's office.
"What is the meaning of this?" the manager asked. "When you applied for the job you told us you had 5 Years experience. Now we discover this is the first job you've ever had." "Well," the young man said, "In your ad you said you wanted somebody with imagination!"

OFFICE HUMOUR : PICK A STARTING SALARY

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked the young MBA fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The candidate said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The He person said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say a red Corvette?" The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow!!! Are you kidding?" And the HR person said, "certainly,--- but you started it."