OFFICE HUMOUR

Real Airline Attendants Quotes
Occasionally, airline attendants make
an effort to make the "in-flight safety
lecture" and their other
anouncements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real
examples that have been heard or
reported:

There may be 50 ways to leave your
lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane..."

After landing: "Thank you for flying
Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as
much as we enjoyed taking you for a
ride."

As the plane landed and was coming
to a stop at Washington National, a
lone voice came over the loudspeaker:
"Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"

After a particularly rough landing
during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight
announced: "Please take care when
opening the overhead compartments
because, after a landing like that, sure
as hell everything has shifted."

From a Southwest Airlines employee....
"Welcome aboard Southwest Flight
XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt,
insert the metal tab into the buckle,
and pull tight. It works just like every
other seatbelt, and if you don't know
how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised.

In the event of a sudden loss of cabin
pressure, oxygen masks will descend
from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab
the mask, and pull it over your face.

If you have a small child traveling with
you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are
traveling with two or more small
children, decide now which one you
love more.

Weather at our destination is 50
degrees with some broken clouds,
we'll but try to have them fixed before
we arrive. Thank you, and remember,
nobody loves you, or your money,
more than Southwest Airlines."

"Your seat cushions can be used for
flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take
them with our compliments."

Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot
said, "We've reached our cruising
altitude now, and I'm turning off the
seat belt sign. I'm switching to
autopilot, too, so I can come back
there and visit with all of you for the
rest of the flight."

"Should the cabin lose pressure,
oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag
over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

"As you exit the plane, make sure to
gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be
distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave
children or spouses."

"Last one off the plane must clean it."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have
some of the best flight attendants in
the industry... Unfortunately, none of
them are on this flight...!"

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after
a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the
intercom and said, "That was quite a
bump and I know what ya'll are
thinking. I'm here to tell you it wasn't
the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's
fault, it wasn't the flight attendants'
fault...it was the asphalt!"

Overheard on an American Airlines
flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day.
During the final approach the Captain
was really having to fight it.

After an extremely hard landing, the Flight
Attendant came on the PA and
announced, "Ladies and Gentlemen,
welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in
your seats with your seatbelts
fastened while the Captain taxis
what's left of our airplane to the
gate!"

Another flight attendant's comment
on a less than perfect landing: "We
ask you to please remain seated as
Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the
terminal."

An airline pilot wrote that on this
particular flight he had hammered his
ship into the runway really hard. The
airline had a policy which required the
first officer to stand at the door while
the passengers exited, smile, and give
them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline."
He said that in light of his bad landing,
he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that
someone would have a smart
comment. Finally evryone had gotten
off except for this little old lady
walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny,
mind if I ask you a question?" "Why
no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?"
The little old lady said, "Did we land or
were we shot down?"

After a real crusher of a landing in
Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please
remain in your seats until Capt. Crash
and the Crew have brought the
aircraft to a screeching halt against
the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are
silenced, we'll open the door and you
can pick your way through the
wreckage to the terminal."

Part of a flight attendant's arrival
announcement:
"We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And,
the next time you get the insane urge
to go zipping through the skies in a
pressurized metal tube, we hope
you'll think of us here at US Airways."